Love you Dad: Different Shades of Motherhood

Nikhil felt odd when he stared at his family photograph. Something was missing.

It was very different from the family pictures which he saw in his textbooks. They constituted the typical image of a man and a woman standing together with a child, thereby freezing the alternate models of parenting right from the beginning.

Nikhil did not know where his father was. He lived with his mother in Indira Colony. It had been seven years since they left Mumbai and came to Delhi but Nikhil could not adapt himself to his new surroundings as it displaced him from his grandparents. He shared a deep attachment with them but the sudden dislocation led to a decline in his interactions with his extended family.

But, Delhi gave him his best friend Ajay with whom he cherished a very deep connection. He met him in fourth grade and they had been inseparable ever since. Ajay was the monitor of the class as he excelled in both academics and sports. Nikhil, in contrast, was an introvert by nature who did not have the courage to approach anyone, but Ajay made it simple by being so humble and approachable. Since then, Nikhil and Ajay were inseparable as it was the unflinching support of Ajay that helped Nikhil to settle in his school.

Nikhil’s mother was his best friend who came even before Ajay in his go-to person list. Every day she came to leave him to school. For the outside world, he may be a reticent boy from whom words had to be prized out, but for his mom, he was an open book. He aspired to be like her as she was a perfectionist. She cooked the best food and played video games with him. She always kept some time for him where he would discuss every minute detail of his life. He knew that he had one enthusiastic listener always. Every Friday, they went to see a movie together and had an ice cream party even if he scored a B+ in mathematics. His mom always assured him that he will be the best student as long he strives for self-refinement. He felt the luckiest in the world to have the best mother. But on some days, it seemed to not be enough.

One Sunday, Ajay invited Nikhil for a family outing. Every Sunday, Ajay went with his father for his football practice where he played with him along with his brother Adarsh. After much insistence, Nikhil agreed and got permission from his mother as well. He went to his house early in the morning and was very warmly received by his mom. She fed him with delicious sandwiches and chocolate shake, and Adarsh showed him his latest video game collection. They went to the stadium where the father made both the sons and Nikhil do the warm-up exercises and kicking practice. Nikhil was not really athletic which is why he could not keep pace with the energy of both the brothers. He was exhausted and thus, preferred to sit and watch. He began to observe the bond which Ajay shared with his father. Surprisingly, it created a disturbing sensation within him. He began to imagine how his father may have been as he would not even dare to ask his mom. It was one of the forbidden topics at home. The call from Adarsh brought him back from his thoughts as it was the time to leave for home.

On coming back he narrated the entire episode to his mom who intently listened to her story. After dinner, while having ice cream, he hesitatingly asked,” Where is my Dad?”

His mom stopped suddenly as her face grew pale. Trying to maintain her composure, she turned and replied, “It is not important, Nikku. And I hope it doesn’t matter because you have your mom who will always stand by you.” and hugged him tightly. He smiled back too but her answer did not seem to convince him.

***

While filing for divorce, Anu was filled with a sense of pride as she was finally able to liberate herself from her broken marriage. She always thought that she had known Samarth as he was her best friend but it seems she could not tolerate his male chauvinistic pride for long. An architect by profession, she was talented as her sheer proficiency and expertise in her field enabled her to have a dynamic career. But, Samarth could not see her growing professionally for long. She had to compensate for her rise in career by ending her decade-old marriage. This bitter end had come after a sustained struggle to reconcile the differences. But, she did not repent as she had chosen her “dignity” over “duty”

The end led to a series of challenges that awaited her as she had taken it upon herself to raise her child. The minimal support and endless insults from her in-laws intensified her grievances. Receiving absolutely no cooperation from her family, she decided to move to Delhi to start afresh, taking her beloved child Nikhil away from that cage that trapped her.

A revival of her career seemed difficult as it was tough for her to carve a niche for herself in the industry. Along with the professional obstacles, she experienced her share of difficulties in educating her child as some of the schools were not equipped to accommodate the needs of a single parent.

It is essential to have the signature of the father even though the contribution of the father figure is missing in raising a child. And why was that? One can only wonder.

It was Anu's unwavering courage that propelled her to move towards a ray of light. She never let the shadow of her agonies fell upon her child. She worked endlessly to ensure that Nikhil gets the best education and juggled with both professional and personal roles.

Even though deep down, she had fathomed that Nikhil may have missed his father, but she ensured that she raised him well and stood with him like a rock in all his adversities. She never had the courage to directly engage with the dreaded question "Where is my dad?" that seemed to persist within Nikhil’s consciousness. Maybe, because she had an unfailing trust in his son that one day he would understand. Or, probably she lived with the assumption that it was impossible to challenge the rigidity of “parental roles” allocated by the society.

***

The flutter of the pigeon brought her back from her mediation as she sat by the window. Twenty-five years have passed since she left her in-law's place to set out on a solo journey. She wanted to live her life on her own terms and build a bright future for her child. She may have succeeded as Nikhil became a passionate software engineer in Germany and was happily married with a son. His decision of settling in Germany was difficult for Anu to approve off initially as her affection came in between. But, she was always supportive and thus, facilitated him to follow his dreams.

The familiar tap of her laptop indicated the arrival of a new mail as she knew it would be from Nikhil. The subject of the mail startled her.

It said,” Found my Dad." She opened the mail which read,

Hey Mom,

I know you must be really surprised at the subject of this mail as it was always one of those forbidden topics between us. I could never muster the courage to tell you that I really felt a deep longing for my father since childhood. I envied Ajay because he seemed to have the finest bonding with his dad. They played football together; he drove him to school and even gave him life lessons. I could never establish that connection with anyone and thus, felt a deep void within me which magnified with time. I resolved to find my father to ask him why he abandoned us.

But when I became a parent and saw Aarav growing, I understood what parenting is and realized that it is not merely the “division of labour” governed by societal roles. More than a responsibility, it is the willingness to raise a new life and nurture it with sincerity and affection. Slowly, I was beginning to realize that more than the need to have a father; I was drawn towards the idea of a father as you did not leave even a single stone unturned to fulfill my dreams. You were there for me, with me, all this while.

So, I have finally found my father and it is he to whom I am writing this. Thank you for being there always.

A tear trickled down from the corner of Anu’s eyes. They were tears of joy.